I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
Garden Rule" When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuabe plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFO's anymore?
IN the 60's people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weir and people take Prozac to make it normal.
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out?"
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if he's going to look up there anyway?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
But Most Of All, Remember!
A good friend is like a good bra. Hard to find. Supportive. Comfortable. And always close to your heart.
Sunday, August 2, 2009
Thoughts for the Weekend
Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctr Alt Deleat' and start all over?
If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called labor!
Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever!
If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called labor!
Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever!
Old is When...
1. Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
2. You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.
3. Getting a little action means I don't need fiber today.
4. Getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.
5. An all-nighter means not getting up to pee!
2. You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.
3. Getting a little action means I don't need fiber today.
4. Getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.
5. An all-nighter means not getting up to pee!
Signs of Menopause
1. You sell your home heating system at a yard sale.
2. You have to write post-it notes with your kids' names on them.
3. You change your underwear after you sneeze.
2. You have to write post-it notes with your kids' names on them.
3. You change your underwear after you sneeze.
Games For When We are Older
1. Sag, you're it.
2. Hide and go pee.
3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear.
4. Kick the bucket.
5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.
6. Musical recliners.
7. Simon says something incoherent.
8. Pin the toupee on the bald guy.
2. Hide and go pee.
3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear.
4. Kick the bucket.
5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.
6. Musical recliners.
7. Simon says something incoherent.
8. Pin the toupee on the bald guy.
Teacher's Salary
Teacher's hefty salaries are driving up taxes, and they only work 9 or 10 months of the year!
It's time we put things in perspective and pay them for what they do -- baby sit!
We can get that for less than minimum wage. That's right. Let's give them $3.00 an hour and only the hours they worked, not any of that silly planning time.
That would be $19.50 a day (7:00 AM to3:30 (or so) PM with just 25 min. off for lunch).
EAch parent should pay #19.50 a day for these teachers to baby-sit their children.
NOW...
How many do they teach in a class, 30? So that' $19.50X30= $585.00 a day. However, remember they only work 180 days a year!!! We're not going to pay them for any vacations!
LET'S SEE...
That's $585X180=$105,300 per year.
What about those special teachers, and the ones with master's degrees?
Well, we could pay them minimun wage, and just to be fair, round it off to $7.00 an hour. That would be $7X 6 1/2 hours X 30 Children X 180 days = $245,700 per year.
Wait a minute ---- There's something wrong here!
Average teacher salary is $50,000/ 180 days (AFTER 15 YRS... I FINALLY MAKE 48,000) =$277/PER DAY/ 30 STUDENTS = $9.23/6.5 HOURS = $1.42 PER HOUR per student. A very inexpensive baby-sitter and they even try - with your help - to EDUCATE your kids!
WHAT A DEAL... And the parents don't even have to buy us pizza!
It's time we put things in perspective and pay them for what they do -- baby sit!
We can get that for less than minimum wage. That's right. Let's give them $3.00 an hour and only the hours they worked, not any of that silly planning time.
That would be $19.50 a day (7:00 AM to3:30 (or so) PM with just 25 min. off for lunch).
EAch parent should pay #19.50 a day for these teachers to baby-sit their children.
NOW...
How many do they teach in a class, 30? So that' $19.50X30= $585.00 a day. However, remember they only work 180 days a year!!! We're not going to pay them for any vacations!
LET'S SEE...
That's $585X180=$105,300 per year.
What about those special teachers, and the ones with master's degrees?
Well, we could pay them minimun wage, and just to be fair, round it off to $7.00 an hour. That would be $7X 6 1/2 hours X 30 Children X 180 days = $245,700 per year.
Wait a minute ---- There's something wrong here!
Average teacher salary is $50,000/ 180 days (AFTER 15 YRS... I FINALLY MAKE 48,000) =$277/PER DAY/ 30 STUDENTS = $9.23/6.5 HOURS = $1.42 PER HOUR per student. A very inexpensive baby-sitter and they even try - with your help - to EDUCATE your kids!
WHAT A DEAL... And the parents don't even have to buy us pizza!
WOMEN'S SAFETY
1. Tip from Tae Kwon Do: The elbow is the strongest point on your body. If you are close enough use it!
2. If a robber asks for your wallet/or purse, DO NOT HAND IT TO HIM. Toss it away from you... chances are that he is more interested in your wallet than you, and he will go for the wallet/purse. RUN LIKE MAD IN THE OTHER DIRECTION.
3. If you are ever thrown into the trunk of a car, kick out the back tail lights and stick out your arm and start waving like crazy. The driver won't see you, but everybody else will. This has saved lives.
4. Women have a tendency to get into their cars after shopping, eating, working, etc.., and just sit (doing their checkbook, or making alist, DON'T DO THIS) The predator will be watching you, and this is the perfect opportunity for him to get into the passenger side, put a gun to your head, and tell you where to go. AS SOON AS YOU GET INTO YOUR CAR, LOCK THE DOORS AND LEAVE. If someone is in the car with a gun to your head DO NOT DRIVE OFF.... repeat.... DO NOT DRIVE OFF! Instead gun the engine and speed into anything, wrecking your car. Your Air Bag with save you. If the person is in the back seat they will get the worst of it. As soon as the car crashes bail out and run.
5. A few notes about getting into your car in a parking lot, or parking garage:
A) Be aware: look around you, look into your car, at the pessenger side floor, and in the back seat.
B) If you are parked next to a big van, enter your car from the passenger door. Most serial killers attack their victims by pulling them into their vans while women are attempting to get into their cars.
C) Look at the car parked on the driver's side of your vehicle, and the passenger side... If a mail is sitting alone in the seat nearest your car, you may want to walk back into the mall, or work, and get a guard/policeman to walk you back out. IT IS ALWAYS BETTER TO BE SAFE THAN SORRY.
6. ALWAYS take the elevator instead of the stairs.
7. If the preditor has a gun and you are not under his control, ALWAYS RUN! The predator will only hit you (a running target) 4 out of 100 times; And even then, it is most likely WILL NOT be a vital organ RUN, Preferably in a zig-zag pattern!
8. As women, we are always trying to be sympathetic: STOP It may get you raped, or killed. Seriel Killers pray on the sympathies of unsuspecting women. Some have even walked with a cane, or a limp and often ask for help into his vehicle or with his vehicle...to abduct his next victim.
9. Another Safety Point: Someone just told me that her friend heard a crying baby on her porch the night before last, and she called the police because it was late and she thought it was weird. The plice told her "Whatever you do, DO NOT open the dooor." The lady then said that it sounded like the baby had crawled near a window, and she was worrked that it would crawl into the street. The policeman said, "We already have a unit on the way, whatever you do, DO NOT open the door." He told her that they think a serial killer has a baby's cry recorded and uses it to coax women out of their homes thinking that someone dropped off a baby. He said they have not verified it, but have had several calls by women saying that they hear baby's cries outside thier doors when they are home alone at night.
2. If a robber asks for your wallet/or purse, DO NOT HAND IT TO HIM. Toss it away from you... chances are that he is more interested in your wallet than you, and he will go for the wallet/purse. RUN LIKE MAD IN THE OTHER DIRECTION.
3. If you are ever thrown into the trunk of a car, kick out the back tail lights and stick out your arm and start waving like crazy. The driver won't see you, but everybody else will. This has saved lives.
4. Women have a tendency to get into their cars after shopping, eating, working, etc.., and just sit (doing their checkbook, or making alist, DON'T DO THIS) The predator will be watching you, and this is the perfect opportunity for him to get into the passenger side, put a gun to your head, and tell you where to go. AS SOON AS YOU GET INTO YOUR CAR, LOCK THE DOORS AND LEAVE. If someone is in the car with a gun to your head DO NOT DRIVE OFF.... repeat.... DO NOT DRIVE OFF! Instead gun the engine and speed into anything, wrecking your car. Your Air Bag with save you. If the person is in the back seat they will get the worst of it. As soon as the car crashes bail out and run.
5. A few notes about getting into your car in a parking lot, or parking garage:
A) Be aware: look around you, look into your car, at the pessenger side floor, and in the back seat.
B) If you are parked next to a big van, enter your car from the passenger door. Most serial killers attack their victims by pulling them into their vans while women are attempting to get into their cars.
C) Look at the car parked on the driver's side of your vehicle, and the passenger side... If a mail is sitting alone in the seat nearest your car, you may want to walk back into the mall, or work, and get a guard/policeman to walk you back out. IT IS ALWAYS BETTER TO BE SAFE THAN SORRY.
6. ALWAYS take the elevator instead of the stairs.
7. If the preditor has a gun and you are not under his control, ALWAYS RUN! The predator will only hit you (a running target) 4 out of 100 times; And even then, it is most likely WILL NOT be a vital organ RUN, Preferably in a zig-zag pattern!
8. As women, we are always trying to be sympathetic: STOP It may get you raped, or killed. Seriel Killers pray on the sympathies of unsuspecting women. Some have even walked with a cane, or a limp and often ask for help into his vehicle or with his vehicle...to abduct his next victim.
9. Another Safety Point: Someone just told me that her friend heard a crying baby on her porch the night before last, and she called the police because it was late and she thought it was weird. The plice told her "Whatever you do, DO NOT open the dooor." The lady then said that it sounded like the baby had crawled near a window, and she was worrked that it would crawl into the street. The policeman said, "We already have a unit on the way, whatever you do, DO NOT open the door." He told her that they think a serial killer has a baby's cry recorded and uses it to coax women out of their homes thinking that someone dropped off a baby. He said they have not verified it, but have had several calls by women saying that they hear baby's cries outside thier doors when they are home alone at night.
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