Bored Husband @ Walmart

Bored Husband

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Wal-MartUnfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunately, my wife is like most women; she loved to browse.
Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Wal-Mart.

Dear Mrs. Samsel,
Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against Mr. Samsel are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.
#1 June 15:
Took 24 boxes of tampons and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.
#2 July 2:
Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
#3 July 7:
Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.
#4 July 19:
Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, "Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away."
#5 August 4:
Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.
#6 August 14:
Moved a "CAUTION - WET FLOOR" sign to a carpeted area.
#7 August 15:
Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department.
#8 August 23:
When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"
#9 September 4:
Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
#10 September 10:
While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
#11 October 3:
Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.
#12 October 6:
In the auto department, he practiced his "Madonna look" by using different sizes of funnels.
#13 October 18:
Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled "PICK ME! PICK ME!"
#14 October 21:
When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed "OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!" And last, but not least.
#15 October 23:
Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, "Hey! There's no toilet paper in here!"

The Excellent Life

My dad sent me this sweet thought, titled EXCELLENT!

Thanks dad! I love you!

The first day of school our professor introduced himself and challenged us to get to know someone we didn't already know.
I stood up to look around when a gentle hand touched my shoulder. I turned around to find a wrinkled, little old lady beaming up at me with a smile that lit up her entire being.
She said, 'Hi handsome. My name is Rose. I'm eighty-seven years old. Can I give you a hug?'
I laughed and enthusiastically responded, 'Of course you may!' and she gave me a giant squeeze.
'Why are you in college at such a young, innocent age?' I asked.
She jokingly replied, 'I'm here to meet a rich husband, get married, and have a couple of kids...'
'No seriously,' I asked. I was curious what may have motivated her to be taking on this challenge at her age.
'I always dreamed of having a college education and now I'm getting one!' she told me.
After class we walked to the student union building and shared a chocolate milkshake. We became instant friends.
Every day for the next three months we would leave class together and talk non-stop. I was always mesmerized listening to this 'time machine' as she shared her wisdom and experience with me.
Over the course of the year, Rose became a campus icon and she easily made friends wherever she went. She loved to dress up and she revelled in the attention bestowed upon her from the other students. She was living it up.
At the end of the semester we invited Rose to speak at our football banquet. I'll never forget what she taught us. She was introduced and stepped up to the podium. As she began to deliver her prepared speech, she dropped her three by five cards on the floor. Frustrated and a little embarrassed she leaned into the microphone and simply said, 'I'm sorry I'm so jittery. I gave up beer for Lent and this whiskey is killing me! I'll never get my speech back in order so let me just tell you what I know.' As we laughed she cleared her throat and began,

***'We do not stop playing because we are old; we grow old because we stop playing.
***There are only four secrets to staying young, being happy and achieving success.
***You have to laugh and find humour every day.
***You've got to have a dream. When you lose your dreams, you die.
***We have so many people walking around who are dead and don't even know it!
***There is a huge difference between growing older and growing up.

If you are nineteen years old and lie in bed for one full year and don't do one productive thing, you will turn twenty years old. If I am eighty-seven years old and stay in bed for a year and never do anything I will turn eighty -eight.

***Anybody can grow older. That doesn't take any talent orability. The idea is to grow up by always finding opportunity in change. Have noregrets. The elderly usually don't have regrets for what we did, but rather for things we did not do. The only people who fear death are those withregrets'
She concluded her speech by courageously singing 'The Rose.' She challenged each of us to study the lyrics and live them out in our daily lives.
At the year's end Rose finished the college degree she had begun all those years ago. One week after graduation Rose died peacefully in her sleep. Over two thousand college students attended her funeral in tribute to the wonderful woman who taught by example that it's never too late to be all you can possibly be.

REMEMBER, GROWING OLDER IS MANDATORY. GROWING UP IS OPTIONAL.

***We make a Living by what we get, We make a Life by what we give.
***God promises a safe landing, not a calm passage. If God brings you to it, He will bring you through it.