I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
Garden Rule" When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuabe plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFO's anymore?
IN the 60's people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weir and people take Prozac to make it normal.
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out?"
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if he's going to look up there anyway?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
But Most Of All, Remember!
A good friend is like a good bra. Hard to find. Supportive. Comfortable. And always close to your heart.
Sunday, August 2, 2009
Thoughts for the Weekend
Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctr Alt Deleat' and start all over?
If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called labor!
Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever!
If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called labor!
Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever!
Old is When...
1. Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
2. You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.
3. Getting a little action means I don't need fiber today.
4. Getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.
5. An all-nighter means not getting up to pee!
2. You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.
3. Getting a little action means I don't need fiber today.
4. Getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.
5. An all-nighter means not getting up to pee!
Signs of Menopause
1. You sell your home heating system at a yard sale.
2. You have to write post-it notes with your kids' names on them.
3. You change your underwear after you sneeze.
2. You have to write post-it notes with your kids' names on them.
3. You change your underwear after you sneeze.
Games For When We are Older
1. Sag, you're it.
2. Hide and go pee.
3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear.
4. Kick the bucket.
5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.
6. Musical recliners.
7. Simon says something incoherent.
8. Pin the toupee on the bald guy.
2. Hide and go pee.
3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear.
4. Kick the bucket.
5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.
6. Musical recliners.
7. Simon says something incoherent.
8. Pin the toupee on the bald guy.
Teacher's Salary
Teacher's hefty salaries are driving up taxes, and they only work 9 or 10 months of the year!
It's time we put things in perspective and pay them for what they do -- baby sit!
We can get that for less than minimum wage. That's right. Let's give them $3.00 an hour and only the hours they worked, not any of that silly planning time.
That would be $19.50 a day (7:00 AM to3:30 (or so) PM with just 25 min. off for lunch).
EAch parent should pay #19.50 a day for these teachers to baby-sit their children.
NOW...
How many do they teach in a class, 30? So that' $19.50X30= $585.00 a day. However, remember they only work 180 days a year!!! We're not going to pay them for any vacations!
LET'S SEE...
That's $585X180=$105,300 per year.
What about those special teachers, and the ones with master's degrees?
Well, we could pay them minimun wage, and just to be fair, round it off to $7.00 an hour. That would be $7X 6 1/2 hours X 30 Children X 180 days = $245,700 per year.
Wait a minute ---- There's something wrong here!
Average teacher salary is $50,000/ 180 days (AFTER 15 YRS... I FINALLY MAKE 48,000) =$277/PER DAY/ 30 STUDENTS = $9.23/6.5 HOURS = $1.42 PER HOUR per student. A very inexpensive baby-sitter and they even try - with your help - to EDUCATE your kids!
WHAT A DEAL... And the parents don't even have to buy us pizza!
It's time we put things in perspective and pay them for what they do -- baby sit!
We can get that for less than minimum wage. That's right. Let's give them $3.00 an hour and only the hours they worked, not any of that silly planning time.
That would be $19.50 a day (7:00 AM to3:30 (or so) PM with just 25 min. off for lunch).
EAch parent should pay #19.50 a day for these teachers to baby-sit their children.
NOW...
How many do they teach in a class, 30? So that' $19.50X30= $585.00 a day. However, remember they only work 180 days a year!!! We're not going to pay them for any vacations!
LET'S SEE...
That's $585X180=$105,300 per year.
What about those special teachers, and the ones with master's degrees?
Well, we could pay them minimun wage, and just to be fair, round it off to $7.00 an hour. That would be $7X 6 1/2 hours X 30 Children X 180 days = $245,700 per year.
Wait a minute ---- There's something wrong here!
Average teacher salary is $50,000/ 180 days (AFTER 15 YRS... I FINALLY MAKE 48,000) =$277/PER DAY/ 30 STUDENTS = $9.23/6.5 HOURS = $1.42 PER HOUR per student. A very inexpensive baby-sitter and they even try - with your help - to EDUCATE your kids!
WHAT A DEAL... And the parents don't even have to buy us pizza!
WOMEN'S SAFETY
1. Tip from Tae Kwon Do: The elbow is the strongest point on your body. If you are close enough use it!
2. If a robber asks for your wallet/or purse, DO NOT HAND IT TO HIM. Toss it away from you... chances are that he is more interested in your wallet than you, and he will go for the wallet/purse. RUN LIKE MAD IN THE OTHER DIRECTION.
3. If you are ever thrown into the trunk of a car, kick out the back tail lights and stick out your arm and start waving like crazy. The driver won't see you, but everybody else will. This has saved lives.
4. Women have a tendency to get into their cars after shopping, eating, working, etc.., and just sit (doing their checkbook, or making alist, DON'T DO THIS) The predator will be watching you, and this is the perfect opportunity for him to get into the passenger side, put a gun to your head, and tell you where to go. AS SOON AS YOU GET INTO YOUR CAR, LOCK THE DOORS AND LEAVE. If someone is in the car with a gun to your head DO NOT DRIVE OFF.... repeat.... DO NOT DRIVE OFF! Instead gun the engine and speed into anything, wrecking your car. Your Air Bag with save you. If the person is in the back seat they will get the worst of it. As soon as the car crashes bail out and run.
5. A few notes about getting into your car in a parking lot, or parking garage:
A) Be aware: look around you, look into your car, at the pessenger side floor, and in the back seat.
B) If you are parked next to a big van, enter your car from the passenger door. Most serial killers attack their victims by pulling them into their vans while women are attempting to get into their cars.
C) Look at the car parked on the driver's side of your vehicle, and the passenger side... If a mail is sitting alone in the seat nearest your car, you may want to walk back into the mall, or work, and get a guard/policeman to walk you back out. IT IS ALWAYS BETTER TO BE SAFE THAN SORRY.
6. ALWAYS take the elevator instead of the stairs.
7. If the preditor has a gun and you are not under his control, ALWAYS RUN! The predator will only hit you (a running target) 4 out of 100 times; And even then, it is most likely WILL NOT be a vital organ RUN, Preferably in a zig-zag pattern!
8. As women, we are always trying to be sympathetic: STOP It may get you raped, or killed. Seriel Killers pray on the sympathies of unsuspecting women. Some have even walked with a cane, or a limp and often ask for help into his vehicle or with his vehicle...to abduct his next victim.
9. Another Safety Point: Someone just told me that her friend heard a crying baby on her porch the night before last, and she called the police because it was late and she thought it was weird. The plice told her "Whatever you do, DO NOT open the dooor." The lady then said that it sounded like the baby had crawled near a window, and she was worrked that it would crawl into the street. The policeman said, "We already have a unit on the way, whatever you do, DO NOT open the door." He told her that they think a serial killer has a baby's cry recorded and uses it to coax women out of their homes thinking that someone dropped off a baby. He said they have not verified it, but have had several calls by women saying that they hear baby's cries outside thier doors when they are home alone at night.
2. If a robber asks for your wallet/or purse, DO NOT HAND IT TO HIM. Toss it away from you... chances are that he is more interested in your wallet than you, and he will go for the wallet/purse. RUN LIKE MAD IN THE OTHER DIRECTION.
3. If you are ever thrown into the trunk of a car, kick out the back tail lights and stick out your arm and start waving like crazy. The driver won't see you, but everybody else will. This has saved lives.
4. Women have a tendency to get into their cars after shopping, eating, working, etc.., and just sit (doing their checkbook, or making alist, DON'T DO THIS) The predator will be watching you, and this is the perfect opportunity for him to get into the passenger side, put a gun to your head, and tell you where to go. AS SOON AS YOU GET INTO YOUR CAR, LOCK THE DOORS AND LEAVE. If someone is in the car with a gun to your head DO NOT DRIVE OFF.... repeat.... DO NOT DRIVE OFF! Instead gun the engine and speed into anything, wrecking your car. Your Air Bag with save you. If the person is in the back seat they will get the worst of it. As soon as the car crashes bail out and run.
5. A few notes about getting into your car in a parking lot, or parking garage:
A) Be aware: look around you, look into your car, at the pessenger side floor, and in the back seat.
B) If you are parked next to a big van, enter your car from the passenger door. Most serial killers attack their victims by pulling them into their vans while women are attempting to get into their cars.
C) Look at the car parked on the driver's side of your vehicle, and the passenger side... If a mail is sitting alone in the seat nearest your car, you may want to walk back into the mall, or work, and get a guard/policeman to walk you back out. IT IS ALWAYS BETTER TO BE SAFE THAN SORRY.
6. ALWAYS take the elevator instead of the stairs.
7. If the preditor has a gun and you are not under his control, ALWAYS RUN! The predator will only hit you (a running target) 4 out of 100 times; And even then, it is most likely WILL NOT be a vital organ RUN, Preferably in a zig-zag pattern!
8. As women, we are always trying to be sympathetic: STOP It may get you raped, or killed. Seriel Killers pray on the sympathies of unsuspecting women. Some have even walked with a cane, or a limp and often ask for help into his vehicle or with his vehicle...to abduct his next victim.
9. Another Safety Point: Someone just told me that her friend heard a crying baby on her porch the night before last, and she called the police because it was late and she thought it was weird. The plice told her "Whatever you do, DO NOT open the dooor." The lady then said that it sounded like the baby had crawled near a window, and she was worrked that it would crawl into the street. The policeman said, "We already have a unit on the way, whatever you do, DO NOT open the door." He told her that they think a serial killer has a baby's cry recorded and uses it to coax women out of their homes thinking that someone dropped off a baby. He said they have not verified it, but have had several calls by women saying that they hear baby's cries outside thier doors when they are home alone at night.
Spoiled Under 30 Crowd
When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diabtribes about how hard things were when they were growing up: what with walking twenty-five miles to school every monring ... uphill BOTH ways. Yadda, yadda, yadda.
And I remember promising myself that when I grew up, there was no way in heck I was toing to lay a bunch of crap like that on kids about how hard I had it and how easy they've got it!
But, now... that....
I'm over the ripe old age of 30, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today. You've got it so easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a dang Utopia! And, I hate to say it but you kids today you don't know how good you've got it!
1. When I was a kid, we didn't have the internet. If we wanted to know something, we had to go to the dang library and look it up ourselves... in the card catalog!!! (Do you even know what a card catalog is? Didn't think so!)
2. There was no email!!! We had to actually write somebody a letter... with a pen! Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox and it would take like a week to get there!
3. There were no MP3's or Napsters! If you wanted to steal music, you had to hitchike to the dang record store and shoplift it yourself! Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio and the DJ would usually talk over the beginning and mess it up!
4. We didnt' have fancy crap like Call Waiting! If you were on the phone and somebody else called they got a busy signal, that's it!
5. And we didn't have fancy Caller ID Boxes either! When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was! It could be your school, your mom, your boss, your bookie, a collections agent, you just didn't know! You had to pick it up and take your chances, mister!
6. We didn't have any fancy Sony Playstation Video games with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games like "Space Invaders" and "Asteroids" and the graphics were horrible! Your guy was a little suqre! You actually had to use your imagination! And there were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen forever! And you could never win. The game just kept getting harder and harder and faster and faster until you died! Just like LIFE!
7. When you went to the movie theater there was not such thing as stadium seating! All the seats were the same height! If a tall guy or some old broad with a hat sat in front of you and you couldn't see, you were just screwed!
8. Sure, we had cable television, but back then that was only like 15 channels and there was no onscreen menu! You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on! And there was no Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons on Saturday morning. Do you hear what I am saying? !!! We had to wait all WEEK for cartoons.
9. And we didn't have microwaves, if we wanted to heat something up, we had to use the stove or go build a fire... imagine that! If we wanted popcorn, we had to use that stupid JiffyPop thing or a pan with HOT oil and Real popcorn kernels and shake it all over the stove forever like an idiot.
10. When we were on the phone with our friends and our parents walked in, we were stuck to the wall with a cord, a 7 foot cord that ran to the phone - not the phone base, the actual phone. We barely had enough length to sit on the floor and still be able to twirl the phone cord in our fingers. If you suddenly had to go to the bathroom - guess what we had to do... Hang up and talk to them later.
That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids today have got it too easy. You're spoiled! You guys wouldn't have lasted five minutes back in 1980.
Regards,
The over 30 Crowd
And I remember promising myself that when I grew up, there was no way in heck I was toing to lay a bunch of crap like that on kids about how hard I had it and how easy they've got it!
But, now... that....
I'm over the ripe old age of 30, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today. You've got it so easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a dang Utopia! And, I hate to say it but you kids today you don't know how good you've got it!
1. When I was a kid, we didn't have the internet. If we wanted to know something, we had to go to the dang library and look it up ourselves... in the card catalog!!! (Do you even know what a card catalog is? Didn't think so!)
2. There was no email!!! We had to actually write somebody a letter... with a pen! Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox and it would take like a week to get there!
3. There were no MP3's or Napsters! If you wanted to steal music, you had to hitchike to the dang record store and shoplift it yourself! Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio and the DJ would usually talk over the beginning and mess it up!
4. We didnt' have fancy crap like Call Waiting! If you were on the phone and somebody else called they got a busy signal, that's it!
5. And we didn't have fancy Caller ID Boxes either! When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was! It could be your school, your mom, your boss, your bookie, a collections agent, you just didn't know! You had to pick it up and take your chances, mister!
6. We didn't have any fancy Sony Playstation Video games with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games like "Space Invaders" and "Asteroids" and the graphics were horrible! Your guy was a little suqre! You actually had to use your imagination! And there were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen forever! And you could never win. The game just kept getting harder and harder and faster and faster until you died! Just like LIFE!
7. When you went to the movie theater there was not such thing as stadium seating! All the seats were the same height! If a tall guy or some old broad with a hat sat in front of you and you couldn't see, you were just screwed!
8. Sure, we had cable television, but back then that was only like 15 channels and there was no onscreen menu! You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on! And there was no Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons on Saturday morning. Do you hear what I am saying? !!! We had to wait all WEEK for cartoons.
9. And we didn't have microwaves, if we wanted to heat something up, we had to use the stove or go build a fire... imagine that! If we wanted popcorn, we had to use that stupid JiffyPop thing or a pan with HOT oil and Real popcorn kernels and shake it all over the stove forever like an idiot.
10. When we were on the phone with our friends and our parents walked in, we were stuck to the wall with a cord, a 7 foot cord that ran to the phone - not the phone base, the actual phone. We barely had enough length to sit on the floor and still be able to twirl the phone cord in our fingers. If you suddenly had to go to the bathroom - guess what we had to do... Hang up and talk to them later.
That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids today have got it too easy. You're spoiled! You guys wouldn't have lasted five minutes back in 1980.
Regards,
The over 30 Crowd
Happy People - Dance in the Rain
The happiest people don't necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the best of everything they have.
"Live isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain."
"Live isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain."
Finding Our Grace
phylosophy: the natural aging process causes the soft tissues of our faces and bodies to begin to descend. our eyebrows frown, our lids droop, our eyes appear hollow, our noses and ears are larger, and our jawbone is less defined. as for our breasts, our bellies, and our buttocks, it's no different. we can fight the process or we can yield to losing our bodies, gaining our souls, and finding our grace.
The above quote was on the back of my new lotion: Amazing Grace
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